Ladies, I'm here to help

Shopping for clothing is something many women not only enjoy doing, but enjoy discussing and enjoy dreaming about. However, if you're the kind of woman who never, or only when feeling an enormous amount of pressure that makes you want to vomit, wears "Women's Clothing", the experience requires much more planning, scheming, daring and discomfort. To ease these side effects of shopping in the gender binary world, I have created the following list of helpful tips, which I call GASS:

1.) Game Face
When venturing into the world of purchasing "opposite-sex" clothing it is important to have the right gear on your person. Namely, a "Don't effing talk to me, I think you are dumb" face. I've included an example on the right, so you can get the proper visual. This will protect you from the associate who has considered inquiring as to whether you are shopping for your brother or your father, as well as from approaching you when you enter or exit the nearest dressing room.

2.) Awareness of Stick Figures
It is important in order to continue being a Big Fat Dyke that you not waste too many calories with excessively crossing the store. You'll notice that clothing assigned to one sex along with "their" dressing room is located on one side of the store, while the other is on the direct opposite of the store. It is completely ridiculous to pick out a few pairs of jeans, walk to the other end of the store, have them not fit, and then walk all the way back, just to cross the store again with another few in a different size that you don't even like. Therefore, use the dressing room in the "men's" department. Unless the dressing room itself is labeled with a stick figure wearing pants, its totally legal for you to enter. This is only advisable however if you live in a state where during the election your part of the map turns blue. If it turns red, not only should you bring your "Don't effing talk to me, I think you are dumb" face, but also a can of pepper spray to ward off the police that are going to kick your a**. Box Turtle On What to Avoid

3.) Side Kick
Bring along a side kick to assist you in swiftly entering an exiting the store. Preferably pick one who won't wonder off to the hat department when you are partially nude in the dressing room in need of a different size. Please see the photo to the right, which I've included so you know what to watch out for.

4.) Spread the Feelings Around
If you are forced to shop for women's clothing, make your outside look as awkward as your inside's feel. Why? Because then the sales associate will be just as uncomfortable as you are, and that is our opportunity to balance the scales for one brief moment in time.