Sunday, August 23, 2009
Lack of time
I have started about 5 different posts, but then I get lost in the land of research and then I get distracted by life. Just wanted to let you know that I'm not neglecting you.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
There Is A Difference
I vaguely remember hearing whispers of a young man being left to die on a fence in a far away land called "Laramie". I knew only 2 things about it: 1.) He was attacked for being gay 2.) He must have been terrified.
I was 14. I tried not to think about it a whole lot, but I found it fascinating.
My understanding of what is was to be gay was shaped by many many events and fragments of information all coming in during different developmental stages, many of them very skewed. Here's a short list of distinct thoughts I had growing up:
I'm 25 now. I've been out for 6 years. In general my life is good.
What happened to Matthew Shepard was a hate crime. According to the FBI (under reporting is huge factor here) Washington state had a total of 195 incidences in which a hate crime was commited in 2007. 39 were anti-gay crimes, which translates to 20%.
On Friday, the Senate approved an expansion of Federal Hate Crimes Legislation. If you are unfamiliar with this legislation it essentially extends federal protections granted under the hate crimes law of 1968 to include people who are physically attacked because of their gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability. But today, the Senate passed an amendment to the Act that would allow the death penalty to be applied in hate crimes cases under some circumstances. And it seems unlikely it will pass.
Some people believe that hate crimes deserve no "special" legislation. My father has told me that if I'm murdered he'll be just as pissed regardless of the reason. Many people believe that a crime is a crime.
I assure you, there is a difference. That difference resonates like tuning fork in every fiber of my being. But don't take my word for it. According to a study by Dr. Herek "crime-related psychological problems dropped substantially among survivors of non-bias crimes within approximately two years after the crime. Hate crime victims, however, continued to have higher levels of depression, stress, and anger for as long as 5 years after their victimization occurred.""
These crimes are not as random as they may seem. Society programs fear and prejudice in subtle and not so subtle ways.
And "Jason D" sums it up quite nicely in his comment on BTB:
I was 14. I tried not to think about it a whole lot, but I found it fascinating.
My understanding of what is was to be gay was shaped by many many events and fragments of information all coming in during different developmental stages, many of them very skewed. Here's a short list of distinct thoughts I had growing up:
- kd lang is a lesbian and it cost her her career.
- My uncle is gay and he's a jerk, I wonder if that's causation or coincidence.
- The lead singer of Queen was gay and now he's dead.
- Melissa Etheridge is a lesbian??? (and she has children ... that's kind of cool )
- Gay men get AIDS and then they die
- Ellen Degeneres just said she's gay ... she seems pretty normal ...
- Being gay is perhaps acceptable but not ideal
- Ellen is no longer on TV
- Melissa Etheridge lost her children in a custody battle
- Matthew Shepard was murdered because he was gay - if you're gay people will want to kill you.
I'm 25 now. I've been out for 6 years. In general my life is good.
What happened to Matthew Shepard was a hate crime. According to the FBI (under reporting is huge factor here) Washington state had a total of 195 incidences in which a hate crime was commited in 2007. 39 were anti-gay crimes, which translates to 20%.
On Friday, the Senate approved an expansion of Federal Hate Crimes Legislation. If you are unfamiliar with this legislation it essentially extends federal protections granted under the hate crimes law of 1968 to include people who are physically attacked because of their gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability. But today, the Senate passed an amendment to the Act that would allow the death penalty to be applied in hate crimes cases under some circumstances. And it seems unlikely it will pass.
Some people believe that hate crimes deserve no "special" legislation. My father has told me that if I'm murdered he'll be just as pissed regardless of the reason. Many people believe that a crime is a crime.
I assure you, there is a difference. That difference resonates like tuning fork in every fiber of my being. But don't take my word for it. According to a study by Dr. Herek "crime-related psychological problems dropped substantially among survivors of non-bias crimes within approximately two years after the crime. Hate crime victims, however, continued to have higher levels of depression, stress, and anger for as long as 5 years after their victimization occurred.""
These crimes are not as random as they may seem. Society programs fear and prejudice in subtle and not so subtle ways.
And "Jason D" sums it up quite nicely in his comment on BTB:
"Someone writing “My Town is Cool” on the side of a business in spray paint is just committing one crime - vandalism.
But someone writing “Jews Must Die” on the side of a synagogue in spray paint is committing two crimes. They are using vandalism to commit harassment and intimidation. Picture this synagogue in a predominantly jewish community and it’s not hard to see that harassment is part of the equation.
...
Bigots often intimidate and harass their victims and community with petty crimes, the kind of thing that serves no jail time. Fines, slap on the wrist, and they’re out the door to commit another misdemeanor to harass and intimidate their victims. This becomes a campaign of harassment, often with the victim terrorized and finally murdered. "
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
A Story About a Toilet and a Cell Phone
In honor of a dear friend, I compiled a Top 5 list of memories of our time together. You will be missed.
- Standing outside of the shelter that we worked at, washing down the chairs for children's group, a number of clients are walking by. She yells, as she becomes entangled, "WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HOSE?"
- Instructing her in the ways of Nintendo Wii, she says (completely innocently), "You know, I really admire your Wii-ness."
- Handing her the keys to my jeep, "I'll be there in a second." I arrive at the jeep. Door is locked, she is not in the vehicle. I say, "Where are the keys?" "You have them." "No, I gave them...to...you...and now...they're on the front seat... Is your door open??" "Urm, no" "Nice work." Locksmith: Free with roadside assistance. Standing outside in the freezing wind discussing our personal views on ghosts while we wait: priceless.
- We're at work. I'm standing outside of the bathroom in desperate need of relief. The a-hole who went in before me is taking far longer than their allotted time. Door opens, it's her... turns out, the extra time was required due to a little accident involving her new cell phone. The phone never recovered, I barely recovered from the laughter induced asthma attack.
- Ok, all the rest are really sincere and meaningful, and therefore not funny and only worth sharing between the two of us.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Ladies, I'm here to help
Shopping for clothing is something many women not only enjoy doing, but enjoy discussing and enjoy dreaming about. However, if you're the kind of woman who never, or only when feeling an enormous amount of pressure that makes you want to vomit, wears "Women's Clothing", the experience requires much more planning, scheming, daring and discomfort. To ease these side effects of shopping in the gender binary world, I have created the following list of helpful tips, which I call GASS:
1.) Game Face
When venturing into the world of purchasing "opposite-sex" clothing it is important to have the right gear on your person. Namely, a "Don't effing talk to me, I think you are dumb" face. I've included an example on the right, so you can get the proper visual. This will protect you from the associate who has considered inquiring as to whether you are shopping for your brother or your father, as well as from approaching you when you enter or exit the nearest dressing room.
2.) Awareness of Stick Figures
It is important in order to continue being a Big Fat Dyke that you not waste too many calories with excessively crossing the store. You'll notice that clothing assigned to one sex along with "their" dressing room is located on one side of the store, while the other is on the direct opposite of the store. It is completely ridiculous to pick out a few pairs of jeans, walk to the other end of the store, have them not fit, and then walk all the way back, just to cross the store again with another few in a different size that you don't even like. Therefore, use the dressing room in the "men's" department. Unless the dressing room itself is labeled with a stick figure wearing pants, its totally legal for you to enter. This is only advisable however if you live in a state where during the election your part of the map turns blue. If it turns red, not only should you bring your "Don't effing talk to me, I think you are dumb" face, but also a can of pepper spray to ward off the police that are going to kick your a**. Box Turtle On What to Avoid
3.) Side Kick
Bring along a side kick to assist you in swiftly entering an exiting the store. Preferably pick one who won't wonder off to the hat department when you are partially nude in the dressing room in need of a different size. Please see the photo to the right, which I've included so you know what to watch out for.
4.) Spread the Feelings Around
If you are forced to shop for women's clothing, make your outside look as awkward as your inside's feel. Why? Because then the sales associate will be just as uncomfortable as you are, and that is our opportunity to balance the scales for one brief moment in time.
1.) Game Face
When venturing into the world of purchasing "opposite-sex" clothing it is important to have the right gear on your person. Namely, a "Don't effing talk to me, I think you are dumb" face. I've included an example on the right, so you can get the proper visual. This will protect you from the associate who has considered inquiring as to whether you are shopping for your brother or your father, as well as from approaching you when you enter or exit the nearest dressing room.
2.) Awareness of Stick Figures
It is important in order to continue being a Big Fat Dyke that you not waste too many calories with excessively crossing the store. You'll notice that clothing assigned to one sex along with "their" dressing room is located on one side of the store, while the other is on the direct opposite of the store. It is completely ridiculous to pick out a few pairs of jeans, walk to the other end of the store, have them not fit, and then walk all the way back, just to cross the store again with another few in a different size that you don't even like. Therefore, use the dressing room in the "men's" department. Unless the dressing room itself is labeled with a stick figure wearing pants, its totally legal for you to enter. This is only advisable however if you live in a state where during the election your part of the map turns blue. If it turns red, not only should you bring your "Don't effing talk to me, I think you are dumb" face, but also a can of pepper spray to ward off the police that are going to kick your a**. Box Turtle On What to Avoid
3.) Side Kick
Bring along a side kick to assist you in swiftly entering an exiting the store. Preferably pick one who won't wonder off to the hat department when you are partially nude in the dressing room in need of a different size. Please see the photo to the right, which I've included so you know what to watch out for.
4.) Spread the Feelings Around
If you are forced to shop for women's clothing, make your outside look as awkward as your inside's feel. Why? Because then the sales associate will be just as uncomfortable as you are, and that is our opportunity to balance the scales for one brief moment in time.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Reinvesting Bonds
I grew up in a town named Superior, WI. Population: 26,625. The tag line was "Superior overlooks Duluth." Though, I never found it to be funny, and literally the opposite is true. As Wisconsin is known for its ability to produce cheese and serial killers, and as Superior is most known for its bars (we have more bars than churches) and its brothels, when people ask, I tell them I'm from Minnesota. Though to be clear, I did live in Minnesota for a year before moving here.
Growing up in a town where people leave when they graduate (if they manage to graduate) and return to retire leaves a teenager with little to do but drink and go hunting. I did neither. Yet, I remember home (in my memory I recall it as being Minnesota) with nothing but fondness. I overlook the extreme weather and see only lakes. I overlook the temperature of those lakes, which prevented me from swimming, and see only scenery. I overlook the snow covering that scenery and remember long since annulled friendships, long since abandoned education and a music scene, that despite opportunity, I simply did not engage in.
I have been telling myself since our reluctant move to WA that, given the opportunity, we would rush home in a heartbeat. I have been resenting this place since the moment we arrived. The culture here is SO different. "Minnesota Nice" is a real thing, and it does extend to the NW part of Wisconsin.
I tend to be lonely here. I feel out of touch with the festivals that mark the seasons. I hear about most of them once they've passed. When family comes to visit, I don't know where to take them. I find most of the "attractions" in this state to be less than attractive. And yet, I've realized that I also tended to be lonely back home. I never went to the festivals, even though I was well aware of when they were. I've never been a fan of tourist attractions.
It turns out, given the opportunity, I would not leave.
I love the life we've made for ourselves here. We have few friends, but they are outstanding people. I love my job, its insanely challenging on every level, but I'm addicted. I dislike the house we live in, its a totally piece of shit, but its become home. Everything I've ever wanted, with the exception of a massive amount of money, I have found here.
So, I'm settling into my surroundings. Withdrawing my heart from the Midwest and reinvesting it here in a snooty little town, where people don't look you in the eye, strangers don't say "Hello" and police don't assist you with a broken down vehicle, but instead write you a ticket, people order their coffee in paragraph form, and there is a helmet law, not just for motorcyclists, but also for bicyclists, because, you know, I never really liked talking to strangers, eye contact is far too intimate for me, coffee should be regarded as the art form that it is and if I ever hit a biker, I'd like for them to live long enough to sue me. I would still prefer assistance with my car, over tickets however.
Sure, it seems like this post is all about me. In fact, it was inspired because one of our few friends has decided that she needs to uproot and replant in her home town. Its a decision I fully support. I admire her courage. But she will be deeply missed. We plan on spending some time together tomorrow. A little play date between our families. Our son said he wasn't really interested. After explaining that our friends would be moving to another state we received a very unexpected and protested "WHY?" He quickly changed the topic with a "I don't want to talk about this anymore" and began crying over our dog who passed away a few months ago. I admire the free way in which his feelings flow and empathize with how jumbled up his emotions are. As Ani DiFranco would say, "We never see things change, we only see them ending."
So now I must address my own defects of character. No longer will it be acceptable to myself to simply justify consequences with "I'm just not good at staying in touch". No longer can I say, "I never chose to move here" because in this moment, I choose to stay.
Growing up in a town where people leave when they graduate (if they manage to graduate) and return to retire leaves a teenager with little to do but drink and go hunting. I did neither. Yet, I remember home (in my memory I recall it as being Minnesota) with nothing but fondness. I overlook the extreme weather and see only lakes. I overlook the temperature of those lakes, which prevented me from swimming, and see only scenery. I overlook the snow covering that scenery and remember long since annulled friendships, long since abandoned education and a music scene, that despite opportunity, I simply did not engage in.
I have been telling myself since our reluctant move to WA that, given the opportunity, we would rush home in a heartbeat. I have been resenting this place since the moment we arrived. The culture here is SO different. "Minnesota Nice" is a real thing, and it does extend to the NW part of Wisconsin.
I tend to be lonely here. I feel out of touch with the festivals that mark the seasons. I hear about most of them once they've passed. When family comes to visit, I don't know where to take them. I find most of the "attractions" in this state to be less than attractive. And yet, I've realized that I also tended to be lonely back home. I never went to the festivals, even though I was well aware of when they were. I've never been a fan of tourist attractions.
It turns out, given the opportunity, I would not leave.
I love the life we've made for ourselves here. We have few friends, but they are outstanding people. I love my job, its insanely challenging on every level, but I'm addicted. I dislike the house we live in, its a totally piece of shit, but its become home. Everything I've ever wanted, with the exception of a massive amount of money, I have found here.
So, I'm settling into my surroundings. Withdrawing my heart from the Midwest and reinvesting it here in a snooty little town, where people don't look you in the eye, strangers don't say "Hello" and police don't assist you with a broken down vehicle, but instead write you a ticket, people order their coffee in paragraph form, and there is a helmet law, not just for motorcyclists, but also for bicyclists, because, you know, I never really liked talking to strangers, eye contact is far too intimate for me, coffee should be regarded as the art form that it is and if I ever hit a biker, I'd like for them to live long enough to sue me. I would still prefer assistance with my car, over tickets however.
Sure, it seems like this post is all about me. In fact, it was inspired because one of our few friends has decided that she needs to uproot and replant in her home town. Its a decision I fully support. I admire her courage. But she will be deeply missed. We plan on spending some time together tomorrow. A little play date between our families. Our son said he wasn't really interested. After explaining that our friends would be moving to another state we received a very unexpected and protested "WHY?" He quickly changed the topic with a "I don't want to talk about this anymore" and began crying over our dog who passed away a few months ago. I admire the free way in which his feelings flow and empathize with how jumbled up his emotions are. As Ani DiFranco would say, "We never see things change, we only see them ending."
So now I must address my own defects of character. No longer will it be acceptable to myself to simply justify consequences with "I'm just not good at staying in touch". No longer can I say, "I never chose to move here" because in this moment, I choose to stay.
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